Who am I thats a good questen. Well I am Lara who is 19 but what do I like, whats my big dream, were do I want to be in the world and do I love who I am on the out side our not. Well thats a good questen.
The anser to this is I am not sure about this and that one of the resones I want to write about me is so I can find my self throw my words. My questen is thoe do we ever find our selfs and know who we are. Am I going to be 50 and still trying to find out who I am. I think thats the big questen we all ask our self a lot. I do thoe think that we are most our self when we are free in our own body and can exspres our true self but when doues that day come are we ever free in our own body. Our are we puting a wall up showing pepole what we want them to see as we are scared what they may think of the real you.
Thats my questen to myself and every body out there do we ever relly know who we are.
New year, new begins, Last year I said that 2016 is going to be the best year yet. I had a whole plan but I soon discovered that saying and having a plan is not always the way things should be. In 2016 instead of having the best year yet, life showed up and showed me the real stuff 2016 was a hard year for me but through all of that, I discovered great things found my dream job and learned life is way better when you wake up for the day, not the plan or the future. I learned going with the flow is way better then predict the future.
So 2017 there is no plan I am just going with the flow of the day as when you just go with it, it always seems to work out much better then any plan ever douse.
It’s so hard to believe that we are at the end of another year to be exact 2016, wow what emotional year it’s been lot of up and downs and most deferentially a year where I learned that life’s hard and you should really only live in the now not the future or the past. Life happens and every minute that we breath it is happening things are becoming we are becoming, we are experiencing and we are changing.
Last year at this time I was just finishing studying my diploma, I had everything planned for the next year, work in Australia, gain experience and see where the road would lead me. Somehow that plan didn’t work out. The new year came around and I went through one of the hardest experience I think I had ever gone through even now months later I think about it and I feel as though I am having a nightmare this one was a real nightmare and even though I may not right or talk much about what I actually went through it was real and it was hard. Two months into the year that I thought was going to be a perfect year I had to make a very hard decision to end the Australian chapter of my life. I think at the time it was one of the most emotional hardest decision I had to make and even when I made that decision it really didn’t feel real but it was and there was off course a bit of relief as I knew now that my nightmare of two months was over.
As I was coming home I could not understand why this was happening to me and I could really not seen the future and where I was going next or what I was doing back in South Africa. That offend happens when things don’t go as you planned you can’t really see where the future is but there is always most defiantly a light at the end of the tunnel. Only after being home a few weeks I found a job and I began to understand that this might just be where I am meant to be at this time in my life and this job was meant to be for me and it was. About nine months later I am still as grateful for this job as I was the first day I started working there, it’s been a true experience and journey of believing in myself again, learning the workings of a two-year-old and most diffidently knowing that working with children is my thing. There have been challenges along the way with being back home and finding my right place again but after a hard year of really learning that life is hard. I can defiantly say that I was meant to come back even though at the time it may have not felt quite like that.
This year I have truly grown as a person, I have learned what’s important, I have learned to live for the day not the future or the past, I have also learned the hard parts of your past make you a stronger person who is able to appreciate the beautiful blessing in life. Life’s not always easy, it’s about embarrassing the beautiful and always being grateful for what you have and not for what you don’t have.
In a week and a half we will be celebrating the Jewish knew year. The month leading up to that we reflect on the past year. We ask G-D to forgive us for our since and for G-D to give us a norther chance, we thank him for all that we are blessed with and all that he has blessed us with over the last year. My birthday happens to be in the same month and when my birthday come around this year I really did have a lot to think about it was a year that I truly grew up and faced some challenges.
So the day I turned 23 I really did Have a lot to reflect on and this is exactly what I thought about the past year:
Today I turn 23 on this day I want to move forward, look forward to the future and believe what’s next in line for me is only good things, happiness and maybe a few lessons. I want to remember that the last year has shaped me into a stronger human been it’s made me rise above my challenges and tested my bounders it made me see that even when you give up hope in yourself there is still a little light that Ignatius your passion deep down even if you can’t quite see it. Most of all the last year has tort me that you should never let anyone kill your confidence if what they are saying doesn’t feel right it’s probably not right we all see the world in different colorless so we should block out the negative and bloom our own flower not let others wilt it. This year just like life is, it has been a lesson that I hope I will remember in the future when I need it again to rise above the negative and only feed on the positive. Now I shall live, love, and laugh.
When life was not going quite my way and all I wanted was to see the future I really didn’t believe that good could come after the storm but I was blessed with good things and my passion was ignited again through new opportunities a lot closer to home where I could rebuild my confidence in a place where I felt more at home and comfortable with myself and I now believe that our future is unwritten but we do create our own desteany.
Life is fill of ups and downs and really it’s a roller coaster. I would be lying if I said that the last six months where not fill with ups and downs it was filled with lots of different emotions one mint I was in oz and the next in South Africa it was disappointing, hard and extremely sad but at the same time it was he best feeling to be able to go home after such a hard time. It was super nice to come home and be in a familiar environment during a hard searching time in my life. My first ever job and what come after was a real shock to the system.
Now I am happy to say that I have been home for two months and it’s been a lot of everything happy, sad, hard and most of all refreshing. I have had time to think about the last couple of months and rebuild my confidence up again and believe that I can do it. I have had to get over what I thought other people thought about me even though they probably did not think what I thought they thought and most of all I have had time to get over the last few months in a warm positive environment. Wow its been hard but there is nothing like home to chair you up. Good things have happened. I Have got a job working in childcare here as a teachers assent witch is perfect for me its just what I wanted and I am extremely happy there I love it. This job has given me the opportunity regain my confidence and I once again believe that I should be working with children I did doubt my self there for a while but I am most defiantly in the right place for me at this time and moment in my life. My job I love and I am happy in but there are things that I still have to get used to and it not all easy been back here but at the end of the day I have good days and bad and its all apart of life but I feel in this moment in time life not to bad.
Life goes on even though at times, it may seam that it’s never going to be the same again.
Yesterday I had the honer of meeting a bunch of little children in one of many adoption homes in Johannesburg these little babes lives have not stared out as well as many other baby lives have, these little baby have been abandoned in place that some people would not even want to imaging but they have for resonances unknown to us but resonances we should respect and not judge. We should hope though that these little ones futures are brighter then there past.
I feel honored to have had the opportunity to visit these little babies. Before going I had this idea in my head how it would be, I would play with happy, healthy smiley babies but this was all just a fantasy that I had convinced my self of. What I found instead was something life changing, unforgettable and a stain on the heart witch you can never get read of. These children are so pure, simple and another life witch this earth has been blessed with. Unfortunately these children are under nourished and are not any where near there milestones as they have not had the right nutrition and stimulation they would need to grow and develop. We learn that part of a child’s development and one of the biggest parts of a child’s development is human touch and these children lack it in a big way and that’s why volunteers are so important in there lives. As they are the people who give them this human touch and love. You pick them up and they cling to you like a koala they place there heads on your chest and you feel there immediate pleasure. It so sad but at the same time it so special to know that even if it’s only a few hours you are making a different to this little child’s life. I want to cry bucket loads I just could not get this around my head still I am constantly thinking about it at such a young age these little people are all alone in the world, no one to turn to for love on a consent bases, I could not even image how this must feel it’s truly beyond me.
This is a place ones you have been there you are connected and you just cant not ever go again. In this world so many of us are filled with a lot more love then we know what to do with and a place like this is a perfect place to go with a smile on your face and spread the love that we have inside of us. I think some times we are re directing our love in places that don’t actually need it as much as other place do and I guess this is a lesson when they say love lots they are saying share the love that is inside of you in a place or persons heart in witch they have not been blessed to experience love of witch we may have been blessed to experience.
My hope for all these little people, all around the world is that G-D blesses them with good health, lots of love and the strength to over come all the challenges they face in life.
The moment you realize true happiness, comes from appreciate everything you are blessed with, is the moment you will realize that everything is going to work out just they way it’s meant to be.
So now I have returned back to South Africa it’s been wonderful to see my mom, dad and the rest of the family. I did not relies how much I missed them until I was back here in South Africa. In some way my heart still longs for Australia and I am most certain I will return there sooner then later but there is also a hole world out there for me to discover and I must not forget that ether but at this moment in time I am re discover my own back yard South Africa.
I have been back here for a little more then three weeks it’s been a lot of mixed emotions and lots of ups and downs I have had to learn my way around again and get used to a different culture all over again but I am happy to say that I feel very much settled in again it great to be in a familiar place. The last three weeks have also been fulled with a little bit of adventure witch has been lots of fun and very refreshing. I went on two hikes witch I really enjoyed, it wonderful to get out in the open bush breath in fresh air and enjoy the natural untouched beauty around you and of course to just walk. The one hike I nearly stepped on a snake and I have never run so fast before. The other hike was beautiful but one I am not ruining to do it again any time soon, it was a hared hike. Other wise I have just been settling in seeing friends and family and enjoying the delicious food that my beautiful country has to provide and of course there is nothing like your own mothers cooking.
It’s good to be home and I am very existed to see what the future holds for me 🙂
Australia I was, an end to a dream but an adventurer lived. A true fairy tail that will leave on forever and nobody will ever take that away a perfect chapter in the small but big life of Lara and now I am back in the familiar land of South Africa. Once again I start a knew chapter in my life that is u know and just a little but scary but if it’s any thing like the last one I have a lot to look forward to but I would rather at this moment in time just live each day as it comes and see were this adventure leads me.
The future is my oyster just like the world and at this moment in time I am happy and content right were I am and it feels great just for a while 🙂
So not all plan go according to plan unfortunately even though we want them to they do not. I had a plan a life plan for the next year, work in Sydney Australia develop my skills in childcare, become the beast childcare educator possible and perhaps meet my prince charming 😉 but not all plans are meant to be and my plan is just one of them that was not meant to be. Yep it did not work out as I had planed and I could curl up in a ball and hibernate for a while or I could smile through the pain, be strong and brave as, my father always says. It of course hard though to do that to smile through the pain, be strong and brave but you cant just give up you have to believe that its all meant to be just the way its happening and believe that you have to go through bad before you go through happiness.
So I am returning back home to South Africa witch was not in this years plan but I have to be brave, strong and smile through the pain. This is not exactly what I wanted but I believe its all apart of the bigger plan and when I think about that I think about what a friend once said to me life is like a tapestry we only see the back witch is messy and unclear but G-D sees the full picture the front witch is all clear and the back witch is all messy and unclear he see the bad and the good and we have to believe that one day it will all make perfect seance and we to will see the front and back. Witch is amazing moto to believe because even though at the time it may seam like the world is ending it really not and good is on it’s way. So with all that said and thought of I return to South Africa With a bit of a bruised heart but I believe there is good to come 🙂
This is the end of one chapter and a beginning of a hole knew chapter and journey in my life and who knows what this one holds for me 🙂 as I always say the best is yet to come!!!
Through the darkness there will be light I keep on telling myself and people around me keep telling me and it so true but when you the one going through the dark and can’t quite see the light is hared to believe it. It’s scary and it feels as though you are falling into a million pieces you push away everyone who cares about you just because it to hard to face your reality something you were once so existed about is now something you hardly ever want to think about again. In a nut shall it’s scary to think that your plan has failed on you and now you have to find another open door but you can’t quite face looking for that open door yet because it hurts to much.
The story goes something like this, I fished studying at the end of the year and as you do you begin to look for a job and I did. I went on many interviews and I was offered a great job witch I took of course, witch at the time I was beyond excited about as it was a great job opportunity. I finished studying and got my diploma and all was good I began working in January and as you are about your first job I was a bit nerves but I was extremely excited to I was going to do what I love and going to gain amazing experience in my field I began and of course I was knew and still learning lot of aspects of the fielded and I was learning the routes and lots of other things it was a bit hard but I was as existed so that faded out the hardness of it and of I amused it was hard as it was all very knew to me. As the weeks went on I and whom I was working for came to discover that were I was working was not quite the write place for me so together we discussed it and decided that is was best for me to move on and find something that would suit me better and of course this has been devastating as I did not plan for that and I did not want it to be that way at all. My confidence had taken a knock and it was a huge sting all over.
This happened three weeks ago and it still hurts so bad. I also have not said much to any one about it just because it was so hared to talk about I lasted three weeks in my first ever job. In the last few days though I have come to terms that by just saying everything is fine in my knew job to people is not worth it why must I silently creep through the dark alone why must a push people who care about me away if I have people help me creep through the darkness it will be easier to find the light and most of all I must not dig a deep hole for my self and hide inside it instead I shall get up look for the positive in each day and do what I can on that day to make the next days to come better and brighter I shall not go through the darkness alone.
I shall stay hopeful and look for the positive in each opportunity I am given.